Step to the Beat

Ive been lying to everyone. Ive been lying to myself. I keep fabricating lies, I keep making up my own life stories. Im not even sure, of my own history. I keep lying and lying and over time, Ive forgotten the truth. And I live by my own engineered tales.


Maybe I havent moved on. All these years I thought I did, but when I think about it, you are always in my mind. Sometimes you appear and it hurts, very rarely tho, most of the time, youre just there. I keep hearing your name. I keep reminiscing the past.


No, I am stronger, and able. These things, do not affect me at all. Im still the same person. Ive always thought its normal to remember the past, I mean, I dont really go into depression mode, I dont really care much about you. But you keep coming back over and over again. Ive learned to get used to it. And that is how I know I moved on.


But truly, have I really moved on? If this is moving on, why do I not feel relieved? I dont feel tangled, I dont feel disatisfied, I just see you every now and then, you run around my thoughts.


I dont even know what this is. Im happy, perfectly content with my life. Sometimes I get lonely, friends are always around but sometimes Im by myself and I feel as if something is missing. The crazy part of it is, I dont even know what I want or what I feel.


If only I could talk to you. Maybe I just need a chat. Maybe I just need you to say Fuck off, go to hell, Im sorry, we were kids, anything, just say anything. The fact that you disappeared without a trace leaves me hanging.


Leaves me hanging? Funny. By saying that, its as if I truly have not moved on.


But Ive always thought I have.


Being by myself these days has given me extra time to let my mind float around. And you appear even more often.


I need help. I really do think, I need to get fixed.

I am sick of people telling me Im skinny.

I am sick of people giving me faces when I say Im fat.


Im sick of, "you? fat? surely not! What are you saying?"


Im sick of acting like Im anorexic.


But Im not!



Clearly it shows, had a fitness assessment. I have 22.5 percent body fat percentage.

http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/library/blbodyfatcharts.htm



Yes, 19-25% is considered OVERWEIGHT!



Yes I AM OVERWEIGHT YOU MOFOZ!



I need to lose 2 Kg by the end of this month, so far so good, 10 more days left in the month, its time to do cardio like theres no tomorrow.

So Ive been by myself at home for about 2 weeks now. I thought Id probably be deprived of companies, but I am actually doing quite fine. Weekdays I work night shifts, get off in the morning, sleep, wake up, watch some Bleach (yes Ive started my new addiction), gym or dance or singing rehearsals and then work again.


Weekends, so far my weekends are all packed. Two 21st Birthdays these two weeks. Dee comes and crashes my place. Crawfie comes 2-3 times a week. Been hanging out with Jun as well. My new glee friends are always around as well, been hanging out with them heaps too. And Sunday is the classic family dinner with Ikram and Lin at the Cross.


I thought December went by really fast, but to be honest, January is even worst. Everything is moving so fast. Summer break is almost up, well, still have 1.5 months left. But seriously, I cant catch my breath. PLEASE SLOW DOWN OH LIFE!


February will be even more hectic, travelling here and there. Brisbane/Gold Coast for a week. Down south NSW for another friends 21st.


I dont think Ill be able to host a house party, like I planned earlier. Theres no time for it, weekdays Im busy, and the next few weekends are packed with stuff to do.



Anyways, was talking to Crawfie yesterday. We were talking bout college stuff, see Crawfie is really against the whole social hierarchy thing. I am too, but I still wanna haze the fReshmen at least a little bit. JUST A LITTLE PLEASE! But hes so against it. He hates the seniors so much for what theyve done to him.


I on the other hand, haha, the seniors never did anything to me. I guess I always hide behind my "international barrier".


We also talked about how awkward it is when someone likes you more than you like him or her. Happens to me all the time, but I am too nice to refuse or say anything. Most of the time I just go with the flow, although sincerely, I would rather do something else than spend too much time with these guys.



I cant wait to see my mom. 2 more weeks :)

Its mid January already. FUCK! How time flies. I used to think 3.5 months of holidays is too long. But no, now its already halfway through. Ive achieved so much this summer and yet I still have loads of stuff I havent done. I wish our holidays are for 4-5 months. I DONT HAVE ENOUGH TIME!


February will be the busiest time of my life. Plenty of 21 birthdays to go. Going to Brisbane/Gold Coast for a week to chill with my mom and the minions (Sab Alice and Lina, sadly Chen gayboy wont be there sigh).


I need more time. Sigh.


To be honest, its a year since Ive been back to Malaysia and I wont be coming back till end of this year for my internship, and the thing is, Ive forgotten how its like to be in Malaysia. It seems like most of my friends are here, my life is sort of like settled for here, and remaining friends I have in Malaysia? Most of them are overseas anyway.


I know, its only been a year and Im already feeling this way. I dont even remember how it is to go to MOS or to go Mamak.


But Im sure, once Im back again end of this year, Imma paint the town red and rock day and night like a boss :)


Just random rambling, WORKING OUT is the HARDEST most UNREWARDING THING EVER! Okay, yea sure, I heard it was hard. But I never knew it was THIS HARD? I aint seeing any improvements for all the crazy efforts Ive been making!



Body you suck! Im still fat :(


Aite, its weekday again, work work work. God Im so busy here, I barely have time for myself. (except for running/jogging daily). I am not sure if Im able to host a cool house party now that the house is empty. I dont have enough time!

Last weekend was spent at Tova's party. Next weekend, Ill have Georgia's 21st. FUCK NO TIME LAH!



2012, I love you.

Fuck its that time again. Its that stupid time again. The time when everything seems confusing. No, its not so much of a confusion. Its more of an intense feeling of affection that you think youve never had before, or maybe you have but youve forgotten.


I hate it when that time comes.


Why did I have to be such a Mr-Nice-Guy. It never gets you anywhere. You might feel a sense of good samaritan, but, what does that give you? In the end its always backfired.


I dont wanna talk in riddles.


Whats best to sum up my night is,


Nothing good happens after 2.

For once in my life I feel appreciated. I feel that all my efforts were paid off. 2011 was a really tough year, 2012 will be too. I have been constantly facing financial problems due to the fact that I have to pay a ridiculous amount of money to stay in St Paul's College. You would not believe the amount of money Ive spent for college.


But its all worth it. Even if it kills me, I would give anything to stay in college for one more semester. Its really expensive, but I gain more by staying than I am losing money. Ive grown into a much better person, Ive grown into someone that I could actually respect and adore.


Yes I am a narcissist. Everyone knows Im very prone to praising myself, saying Im the boss etc. But deep inside I am a very insecure little kid. Those closest to me would know.


But I could never think of myself as someone respectable. And frankly speaking, Ive gone so far and I think I do deserve that kind of recognition.


I was planning to stay for one more semester. Thankfully, I have been given a chance, a second year in college to make up for all the things I missed out last year just because I wasnt confident of myself.


Last year, I was always that kind of person who thinks that everyone else in college was better than me, but I have to push that aside and show them who I really am.


I applied for a scholarship, although my results were not good enough compared to these bunch of smartasses. Even though I was doubting myself, friends kept on supporting me. Jo especially, she was the one who told me to go take extra measures.


I wrote a personal letter to the Warden, alongside my personal statement thats included in the scholarship application. I would have never been able to write a good essay if not for my lovely Linglee. She, whos still in the States, insisted that my essays need to be read and corrected by her. She turned my absolutely plain essay into a great one. I cant thank her enough.


Jo, though shes in Malaysia, kept on contacting me and giving me guidance as to what I should do. I even set up a meeting with the Warden's assistant to discuss for possible alternatives.


And all of the efforts were paid off when I received an email stating that I have received the Warden's Grant and the Grainger's Grant. They have decided to aid me with a significant amount of money, an amount that I could never come up with myself.


And with that, I can stay in college, not for one more semester, but for the whole year.


To be honest, this is a great gift for 2012. I will not let everyone down. I will give this year my all. I promise I will get those high grades, even if it kills me. And I promise that I will be yet an even better man. Worthy of being called, a Pauline.


Personally, I have never felt so accomplished and grateful in my life. Receiving scholarships to study overseas after high school was a great feeling, however its nothing compared to this. Forgive me for being arrogant or anything, but, its different back then because almost everyone I know was able to secure overseas scholarship. It didnt feel as special. And I very well knew even before high school that I will be getting a decent scholarship.


But here I am, competing with a bunch of guys that are one of the brightest men in Australia, and I am able to at least sit on par with them. With a lil bit of help from friends.


I still have a long way to go.


2012 will be a great one. Even if it is predicted to be the end of the world, I will strive for the best. And I shall take nothing less.

It just keeps getting better and better. Fuck this newfound experience. I sound retarded but that is exactly how I feel. New Years Eve at ARQ Sydney was indescribable. Party started at 8pm, ended in the morning sunrise. Hardcore music, entertaining environment, dodgy but no so dodgy crowd and just the natural euphoria the whole place gives.


Its been 9 months since Ive been there, last time was Mardi Gras 2011. Ive totally forgotten how sick ARQ is, shall be my favourite place from now on.


Happy New Year peeps!


Its 2012, the last year before the world ends. Or so they say. Regardless I will be doing what Ive always been doing. Living life to the fullest, cherishing every moment and snatching every desirable opportunity


I started 2012 with a great big blast. Its only natural to keep the momentum constant throughout the whole year.



Sure I foresee challenges, heartbreaks, dramas, but also, I can see victory, excitement, madness and laughter. This year Ill be turning 21. And that is a big change, Ive already made plans. Ill have a big birthday party end of this year.



Me, Ismail Lin and Ikram spent New Years at ARQ. It was a painful 55 dollars cover charge but I tell ya it was worth it. The whole night was just massive intense dancing and appreciation of music. Ultimate bonding session as well. I think me and Ismail has finally reached a whole new level of broseph. Bromance of the highest honor. We even sealed a pact under the deafening vigorous bass beats and blinding yet dazzling laser lights.


Love is so in the air. I do not know how it is to be in a long term short distance relationship. And everyone, I kid you not, everyone is hooking up these days. And I am but forever a legendary third wheel guy.


Maybe its time to put effort into building a relationship. Its about time? Long distance is somewhat easier for me, it doesnt bother me, and its very less time consuming as I do have a mouthful things to do everyday. But, well, it hasnt been bothering me previously, but now, I find it even harder and harder to resist the cheeky sensation of wanting to be loved. Mainly cuz 85% of my friends are in relationships? Is it that phase of life already? Come on Im just 20!



New Years Resolution? Find someone? I do make my own resolution every year, and I have yet to fail at any of my previous resolutions. If this is my 2012 wishlist, I will probably break the consecutive years that Ive been succeeding at fulfilling my resolutions.



I honestly do not know what I want. Its easy to just let it be and go with the flow. But to be honest,



Its getting harder and harder.