Step to the Beat

Its the last day of the year. 2011 was a really big year for me. Id say one of the best just yet. It just keeps getting better and better, although, of course, it gets harder and harder as well.


I dont think I need to recap on 2011, I pretty much wrote a whole bunch of it here. One big step, rapid development, constant excitement, bla bla bla.


I went to Nowra yesterday and today, day trip with Dee. It was good, Nowra is definitely not Dee's scene, its such a small peaceful town. I swear we couldnt find a cinema, a nice bar, nothing. But they have all the essentials, Coles Kmart etc. Pretty self-sustainable. Dee is going to move to Nowra soon enough for work. Ismail is going back Malaysia for three weeks.


Ill be alone here in Sydney, non of my Malaysian peeps are here. Guess its time to throw a house party for me college boys. Im sure theyve been waiting for Art Zahar's grand super CHILLAX green house party if you catch my drift :P



We also went to my very first circus show. Lennon Brothers, Australia's longest running circus show, been around for 118 years! Cool huh? Just so happens they had a show at Nowra, I was so excited I just had to go.


It was pretty damn good, they had lionesses, monkeys, donkeys, camels, cute animals. And freaky acrobatic acts. Some failed tho, and thats the funny part haha. Despite that, it was a good show and I enjoyed it. Im sure my lil bro would be so jealous if he knew. :p



Now, on to the main course.


New Years Eve 2011, where shall I spend it. Last year I had the traditional Sydney Harbor Bridge Fireworks show. Had to go to Circular Quay from 3pm, goofed around for 9 hours to watch the fireworks. Was fun, but once is enough -.-


So this year, Imma go club-style. Question is, where?


Original plan was ARQ Sydney, good music, but dodgy high drugged gays.

But maybe Swagger is good too, RnB Hip Hop music.



Well, Ill just have to tell all yous when Im done with it.



Happy New Year Everyone!


Its going to be a sick year, even better than before. :)

Birthday/Christmas Party was uhmazing! :)


Ive never really organized a birthday party before, I think its pretty awkward organizing your own birthday party unless its the big numbers like 21 or 18. But Saturday was really good. I had the time of my life.


Thanks Lin, Dee, Ikram, Ismail and surprisingly Aideeni for coming over and making the day super swell for me. There aint any other guys around, I wish all of the Dodgy Crew are here but oh well, Ill become a different person after this summer :)


Oh Lynn Davis, if youre reading this, damn, Ismail gave you a title that night, which I think is way out of your league but hey, since Ismail says so, Ill just go with it.


So yeah, after the party, I finally truly accept myself being 20. I mean come on, Ismail is older that me by a couple of months and we were the youngest ones there. Ikram is in his 30s, Lin Dee and Aideeni are in their late 20s. Everyones old, I cant pretend Im the baby anymore.


I think 2012 will be yet another awesome year. I will come out of 2012 alive and stronger.


And one step closer to my goals.



New Year's Party at the Arq! :D


CANT WAIT!

Has been a while huh, I have been pretty busy. I think I mentioned this before but staying in Sydney over summer is the best idea ever. I am purely doing everything that Ive always wanted to. And everything looks really good now.


I had my first ever vocal lessons, like purely singing, with the head of my little humble glee club. It was so much fun, she brought her mother as well who's a famous Greek opera singer (retired of course), and well I was nervous but she told me she had to bring her cuz they were running errands the whole day.


I would say this class beats my music theater class by thousand folds. Irene, my teacher, she's just simply amazing. Very animated, cheerful, overly friendly and dramatic, shes like the drama teacher from High School Musical. (Yes I used to love that show).


Singing is so hard, I am not gonna kid you. I dont know how those people who are amazing singers do it. I know some are just born with it, but still, it is a very complicated skill to learn. But I managed to take it better then when I was starting dancing.


Irene's mom is really fun to have around to be honest. She's really really supportive and she keeps saying I sound beautiful when I hit the right notes. Shes just a really typical nice granny like person. She told me I was a fast learner, have a powerful voice and will be a champion one day if I keep this up.


And Irene told me that was the best first class ever. Yea to be honest I did my homework before the class, googled and youtubed so that I wont sound like a complete dumbass, regardless it was worth it.



Note tho, having a powerful voice does not mean I have a really good voice that can sweep people of their feet, to be honest I dont sound good. AT ALL. But my kind of voice would suit choir or group singing comfortably. I aint asking for more, I just wanna sound decent for musicals so this is good enough.



Tonight my glee peeps are having a lil Christmas party, convenient at a place 5 mins walk away from my place. YAY.


And tomorrow, is my ultimate 20th Birthday Party plus Christmas Eve night out at the Cross. WILL BE A SICK NIGHT. Im basically gathering all the internationals I know to come with. Of course my Aussie friends, theyre all at home, its Christmas Eve. Doesnt matter, us internationals have our own lil party to make up for not being home with our families. :)


Alright, time to get ready :)

Summers been so good. Though the weather is shit (the coldest summer in Sydney since 50 years ago), I am doing a lot of things I didnt do before but have always wanted to.


I went and volunteered at St Vincent's Sacred Heart Hospice last Friday, something you just feel like doing when its Christmas season. These guys are those who will perhaps be celebrating their last Christmas. It was really sad, seeing happy faces when we're there, but I on the other hand couldnt handle the atmosphere and broke down after the first 30 minutes. There were kids, old couples and even those who are so sick they were in beds.


I cant help but to be reminded of my late Mummy, I miss her so much and that was why I couldnt help but cry. I left the earliest, it was just too much to handle.


Enough about that, how I handle things, I just shove it in the deepest core of my heart and lock it. One day when Im ready Ill open it and cry my hardest, but for now, I cant afford to have an emotional break down. Its like a Pandora's Box, do not open until ready.


Who wouldve thought singing could be so hard, Ive come to realized how shit I was singing songs when we went karaoke. Songs that you think are so easy to sing are not so easy anymore now that I have actually learned the technicalities.


And because of that, I think Bruno Mars is the awesomest singer/lyricist/producer/composer ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV_V7A8irxA

Summers been so good. Though the weather is shit (the coldest summer in Sydney since 50 years ago), I am doing a lot of things I didnt do but have always wanted to.


I went and volunteered at St Vincent's Sacred Heart Hospice last Friday, something you just feel like doing when its Christmas season. These guys are those who will perhaps be celebrating their last Christmas. It was really sad, seeing happy faces when we're there, but I on the other hand couldnt handle the atmosphere and broke down after the first 30 minutes. There were kids, old couples and even those who are so sick they were in beds.


I cant help but to be reminded of my late Mummy, I miss her so much and that was why I couldnt help but cry. I left the earliest, it was just too much to handle.


Enough about that, how I handle things, I just shove it in the deepest core of my heart and lock it. One day when Im ready Ill open it and cry my hardest, but for now, I cant afford to have an emotional break down. Its like a Pandora's Box, do not open until ready.


Who wouldve thought singing could be so hard, Ive come to realized how shit I was singing songs when we go karaoke. Songs that you think are so easy to sing are not so easy anymore now that I have actually learned the technicalities.


And because of that, I think Bruno Mars is the awesomest singer/lyricist/producer/composer ever.

The day has finally come. Today marks the end of my teenage years, and the first step towards adulthood. 2 decades have passed, and I am probably 1/4 done with my lifetime. What have I achieved? One would ask himself every year when the day comes.


Today I turn 20. Probably not the best of numbers, but definitely better than being 19 and of course one year closer to the glory age of 21, in which I have made some plans.


I could just tell myself that I actually turned 18+2, at least the number 18 is there. But who am I kidding. I have feared this for a very long time, and now, I have learned to accept it for what it is. Its true, Im 20, Im still young and free. Nobody can stop time, everybody faces the same anxiety once they age, and the only way to counter this is to realize what is it that is important in life. Not age, but experience, and achievements.


I have traveled a long road, and I wont be stopping anytime soon. Funny though, I decided not to hide my birthday on Facebook this year, and I believe I received about 10 times more birthday wishes than last year. Thanks everyone, really appreciate every single one of it.


Im happy. I really am. Its good to know that some people acknowledge my struggles, my efforts and my visions. These are the ones who know me best, and they know how hard Ive worked to get to where I am now. Im happy to feel appreciated for what Ive done. Although everything that I do, I do it for myself, it just feels good to know that I have people behind me endlessly supporting me, being there for me so that I can ultimately achieve my dreams.


I dream big, and every day, whatever I do, Ill make sure Im one step closer to my goals. Every single little thing matters.


My Godmother was the only one who believed in me one time ago. She believed that I can grow into someone great, despite what people say about my childishness and whatnot, she believed that I will one day be an amazing person.


And now, I have more people there for me, they believe in me. And this makes me even more motivated to work even harder.


Thank you everyone, and to my loved ones, thanks for always giving me what I need in times of difficulties.


A dime today, a mountain of gold someday =)

So Ive been missing. To be honest I havent done anything to prepare myself for finals. I dont know how its gonna be this time around. Every time its finals Id always imagine the worst, you know, unsatisfactory grades. However all this while I survived. Grades have been significantly dropping, now Im barely on a Distinction average. I know theres a big chance that this semester will bring it down to credit.

Promises never last. Talk is cheap. No matter how it seemed convincing when you first heard it, you put your heart to it, believed in something that was so real, at that time, well it grew weak and crumbled to the ground in the end.


I may have moved on, but once in a while when I revisit those old dusty windows of nostalgia, I feel it, I can feel it as if Im hurt again. Leaves me with questions, and makes me wonder. Is there anything as real as they brag about it in books, movies, or stories of others. Maybe yes, maybe no, as for me, god damn it, it has always been a never.


Maybe Ill read this again in the future and laugh at myself at how foolish I was, maybe by then Ill have everything sorted out, figured out, no more hiding no more uncertainties, only the true goal that I have always dreamed.


But what is my goal? What is it that I want?


I have yet to figure that out.


It sucks that it stings every time I think of the past. Its even more mortifying to have to think about how it is now, how different it has become.


I can never believe in promises anymore. That was the last of it. I can only believe in my own promises.

I know it has been a while since I updated.


Last week was Silly Season, the re-orientation of St Paul's College. It was good, we had a lot of good activities;

Ive been here awhile. Initially I heard a lot of things about Australia. Racism, chinatown, boring, too near to Malaysia etc etc. I was never keen on coming here. Ive always only imagined that Id be living my college life in the States. There was no other contender, America stole my heart from the very first time, my dream schools, theyre all there.


California, perfect weather, perfect mix, amazing energy, the people, the culture, the DANCE culture more importantly, the education, well pretty much everything.


Im not gonna lie. I came here with that impeccable mind set that I wanted to prove people wrong. I wanted to be different. I didnt want to succumb to being just one of the other asian internationals, how they stick with themselves and what not. I wanted to be sociable, I wanted to have local white friends. They say Australia is a racist country, whites are not friendly towards asians, especially internationals, and so on. I wanted to surround myself with whites.


How foolish I was. Im a man of pride, and dignity, I rarely admit defeat, or mistakes. But this, oh boy, I cant even describe how wrong I was.


I worked myself out, I lived on campus last year. I fought hard, to gain entry to college this year. Ive done it. I speak English 98% of the time (sadly my English has not improved since last year), I live with whites, Ive many white friends. In college, Im one of the 4-5 asians out of 200 men. Im one of the only few 3-4 Malaysians who ever lived in Pauls since its establishment in 1840s. Ive done it, here I am, exactly where I pictured myself one and a half years ago.


But where does that lead me? Its true, Ive grown, Im slightly different. Stronger, maturer, better, much better. But when I think about it again and again, I do not have any close white friends. Like real close. Ever since I came here, Ive always been hanging out with my safety net, my UNSW malaysian friends. Theyre the ones Im not afraid of showing my true colors, Im not embarrassed of anything, I could just be myself all the time.


And sadly, thats usually not the case with whites. Im different with them. I try to change my frequency so that I can adapt with their culture and way of life. To be honest though, its never as good as being my true self, which is why Id always run away to my malaysian mates. All the time.


Little by little, Im getting better with socializing. Im becoming more outspoken with them, yes its true, previously, I didnt talk much with them although theyre my friends.


Ive come to a conclusion that. This is why Im here, in Sydney, instead of California. I guess God has His way, everything happens for a reason. This is my pit stop. I now know, I would never survive in the States if I went there instead of Sydney. I thought it would be easy to connect and be one with the locals. But no, cultural barriers, theyre always a bitch.


So here I am, slowly trying to be more adaptive of westerners. This is a pit stop. One day, Ill go to my dream school (Ive got that plan sorted out already actually), and I know that I wont waste any time to be one with them.


Because even now, its been one and a half years Im here, I rarely feel that Im truly one of them.


So this is my training.

Ive been away for too long. This blog has been left unattended. Im sorry. Well I dont know if I have that many readers anyways, course, this blog is self fixated and full or errors, emo ramblings, yada yada, whatever, its my blog I can do whatever I want with it lalala.


So yes, Ive been working at nights, yes normally I work from 11pm till 8am. Dont ask where I work, I know it sounds dodgy, I work at night in the city, woo hoo.


I went to Auburn last Friday, Crawfie, a good friend of mine from college wants to learn more about Islam, he asked me if I could bring him to a mosque. So we did. Its a Turkish mosque, they speak turkish most of the time. The mosque looks typical from the outside, but the inner designs are magnificent. They have chandeliers, colorful glasses, and well this I find interesting, they have glasses with the shape of stars. Like Star of David star. I guess it must be a Turkish thing, cuz they have a star on their flag?


We talked to the people there, Crawfie has some questions about Islam that I cant really answer. So yea, we talked around, its pretty hard cuz most of them dont speak fluent English, but we managed. I have no doubts with my religion, Ive been raised with the concepts and spiritual understandings well. But I do feel a sense of accomplishment, its sort of soul searching for Crawfie, and at the same time I feel a sort of soul searching experience kind of feel as well. Good :)


I went to University of Western Sydney 2 days ago, stayed there for 2 nights, spent a significant amount of time with my replacement boyfriend (yes, hes been dubbed that, thanks Afiq), Redo. Its such a good visit. UWS is such a beautiful uni, so different than any other Unis Ive been. Its big, full of trees, mountains, lakes, modern buildings. Its like UNSW only that its huugee and they have shuttle buses running around on campus for students.


I felt like I was in the Shire, like in Lord of The Rings, Im not kidding. Its great! I wish USyd is more of like that, but USyd is pretty small and compact. UNSW is even worst. But yes, studying in UWS would be so conducive with the environment, but they literally have nothing much going on there, its worst than ANU. They only have one bar nearby, and it still takes awhile to get there, not by walking distance if you stay on campus.


Redo is the most awesomest guy ever. Cool, outgoing, open-minded, such a sweet gentleman, yada yada, I can still go on, but praising someone else on my blog seems inappropriate, I should praise myself more. :p Vain bitch, I know.


We went on a ferry from Circular Quay to Manly. We went for ice cream, went for Karaoke, played Dota all night, went to eat out here and there. It was a good 2 day getaway. :) And hes so nice, paid for almost everything.


Great man-date, muahahaha!


I guess thats only decent since hes been asking me to hang out with him at UWS since last year.
Next stop, I wanna go to Newcastle.


Such a productive winter break. Loving this :)

I have been missing. My last paper last Thursday, Intermediate Microeconomics was not what I expected. I dont really thing results this semester is not going to be satisfactory. Regardless thats all in the past.

Today was the worst paper ever. I dont mean worst in a sense that I feel like failing or anything. I think I did okay, prolly be lucky if I could get a Distinction. Regardless, it is the most horrible paper that I ever took in a sense that its freaking fucking stupid boring obnoxious Accounting.


I loathe Accounting. I hate it. If theres a word to describe all evil in the world and all hatred sadness anger plus all negative feelings a human being is able to express, that word suits accounting.


On the bright side, I dont have to deal with that mishap of life anymore. Thats the end of any bits of accounting I have to deal with, ever.


Currently I am at Valentine on George, VOG. This is a Malaysian restaurant that all the Malaysians fight with each other for the opportunity to be employed here. Guess what, I got lucky, so now Im the official Receptionist at the hotel. Yay! All I have to do is clean up here and there, do some paperwork, then I can sleep till morning.


Jolly.


Of course now Im procrastinating. I wanna study for my last paper, Microeconomics. But Ive no motivation anymore.


Freedom is calling for me. I can smelll it. :)


Toodles.